The Hunt

When you’re single and looking your options are pretty open because face it everyone on the planet figures you need to be with someone. As a society we have this twisted notion that everyone must be partnered with someone else in order to be happy. This is why every time your mom calls, you hear, “so hunnie, you know I don’t want to be nosy but, have you met anyone?”…………. first off, she’s a MOM so she’s lying when she says she doesn’t want to be nosy. I know this because I’m a mom to adult kids and I’m nosy has hell.

If it’s perceived that you might be taking too long to find that special someone the conversation might change to “hunnie, your dad and I were talking and we want you to know that we support you no matter what." This is their attempt at telling you that they suspect you might be gay. Good on em right? They’re trying to be supportive. But, gay or not this is going to have you rubbing your hand over your face while you reach for another glass of Captain Morgans. Not because you don’t love them but because the last thing you want is to be justifying and explaining your search, or lack of, for a partner.

So since society assumes we can only reach maximum happiness when we’re partnered with that special someone, why is it hard for them to understand that more partners can mean more happiness. No, they assume that if you’re looking for another partner then there must be a flaw with the current relationship. This contributes to making partner hunting as complex as trying to figure out that new math they’re teaching in elementary these days. Have you seen that shit?!? Nothing is direct. It’s brought about in what sometimes seems to be the most ass backwards path imaginable. And, there’s no phone calls from mom “hunnie, we know you’re married but we met the nicest lesbian at the grocery store today. Have you thought about having more relationships?” Nope, not getting that phone call anytime soon.

Add to it that many polyamorous people embrace confidentiality like its the last life boat on the titanic. They’re terrified of bosses, ex’s, family members, etc finding out their dirty little secret……….. they’re able to love more than one person…………… *la gasp*

Since we’ve already established that mom won’t be chatting up your sexual prowess to the local lesbian. You also won’t be standing around the water cooler telling all your coworkers that you need to find another special someone to get your kink on with. So where do we begin the hunt?

Most often we turn to ads. The types of ads are endless but they all offer the same basics; a chance for you to remain a bit anonymous while you search, access to a specific audience and last but not least a chance to filter out the creeps from the maybe’s.

So what does all this mean for this chicka? It means I’m searching for someone using sites like Kijiji and FetLife…………. Two mildly different audiences there. *cough* But the great thing is it means I have the chance to meet a wide range of people. Well that’s the assumption because I haven’t met anyone yet.
The hunt continues.

……………………… but seriously if you bump into that lesbian at the grocery store feel free to send her my way.

Just Friends

“No, we’re just friends”

That’s what I told someone a few days ago when they insinuated that my friendship with a person, I’ll call Camron, was a possible romance. But why? Why did I feel the need to justify or label my relationship to that person and why did I devalue it?
JUST friends?! What the hell?!

Hello, I freaking love my friends. My friends are amazing, smart, loyal, sexy, and funny they are never JUST anything. Being friends is an amazing and wonderful thing. Personally, I think part of why I identify as poly is because of the high value I place on friendships.

We say we’re poly because we recognize that one individual can’t meet all our partnered relationship needs: romantic, sexual, spiritual, emotional, and so on. But, isn’t that also why we have a variety of friends? We talk with some and we shop with others. Some we go to for support and some we have deep intellectual discussions with……. and of course there’s always the one that you keep around for comedic relief and because they drink more than you do. So then, it’s not a leap to suggest that friendships are one form of poly relationships.

Most friendships are platonic but do they have to be? Why not have friendships where you can cuddle, have sex, or do any other activity you wish? I don’t believe that the physical activities you pursue with friends is what changes a friend to a partner. I think it’s more complex than that. It’s having an even deeper emotional connection as well as relationship goals and more that make someone a partner versus a friend. However, I refer back to my previous question, why do we need to justify or label it? Why can’t our relationships, platonic or not, exist simply for the joy they bring to those in it?

I think there’s power in all relationships which helps us continue to grow and develop as individuals. I think it’s healthiest to focus on what we bring to the relationship more than to focus on how others might perceive it.
So, this woman is no longer going to automatically justify any relationships. Now when people ask or insinuate something……….. let em! My life is not their business.

I Miss Girl Sex

The following blog was originally a Facebook post on a poly support group. I’ve decided to publish it as is rather than alter it.


=======================================


Forgive me if this post gets overly long, I tend to ramble when I’m being really open and having friends who are in this group doesn’t make it easy to open up. *waves* “hi friends….”
So, while I’m busy baring my soul and making myself vulnerable, feel free to scream “Get to the point for fucks sake” at your screen. I won’t be offended. Cause face it, I won’t know.

See, I ramble

First some background info to set the mood. I miss girl sex.

Wait, I forgot, background info….. Okay so married 26 years to a great guy who is mono but I have a huge sex drive and hunger for more and he's okay to take it or leave it. I drink, he’s allergic to booze. I'm loud, he's quiet. You get the picture. Needless to say we work hard to make things jive but it does and we’re rock solid.

Anywho, over a year ago I entered a serious relationship with a woman but things didn’t work out and it was ended this Fall. You know when someone says “It’s me not you”? Damn rights it was her.

So, because of how that experience ended, I’m not ready for, nor am I interested in, a serious relationship yet. Although ultimately I share the dream that many poly folk do of a poly family or community where everyone gets along and there’s chickens roaming……….. wait, chickens, wtf? That’s taking rambling too far even for me.

Focus….

So, the dilemma is sex. Well more than just sex, it’s touch. I miss touching a woman….. This is where I pretend my friends aren’t reading this…… With my last two female relationships they were what I’d call pillow princesses, they were happy to let me do everything. Not an ideal situation for a real relationship but for meeting my current needs I’m good with it.

Actually I guess the dilemma isn’t sex or touch it’s HOW do I get those things. Yes, I can read your brain and no, it’s not that easy because …………. Drumroll………

………… you didn’t really do a drumroll but I’m going to pretend you did…………

……… I’m fat. Yup FAT. And I don’t know if you know this but people are attracted to others based on looks. Who knew right?!
If I was looking for a relationship this might not be as big… (as BIG… see what I did there… lol) of a deal because relationships take time and people get to know each other for who they really are so the weight issue becomes less of a deal. But when you’re wanting to ‘hook up’ it’s a barrier.

And yes, before anyone says, “hey have you tried losing the weight”, let me assure you I am actively losing but, for reasons I won’t go into on here, it’ll be up to 4 years before I am at a point where I feel ‘normal’.

So
Yeah
Ummm
*scrolls up to read all this and tries to figure out what to type next*

Options……
I could do ads. But since appearance is the barrier the ads have to be somewhere safe for me to post photos. And in order to respect hubby’s wishes we’re not outed in our community so that’s another barrier to ads.
I could kidnap a pretty lady and ……….. oh wait, that’s not okay.
I could wait until the right time, lady, situation presents itself and while waiting die from wanting.
I could post an open and embarrassing letter on here and see what amazing suggestions my poly sisters have!

=======================================


NOTE: My poly sisters were open and loving as well as had some wonderful advice. Over the next few months we'll see where that leads me.


Stay Genuine My Loves ~ Izzy